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Introducing Malcolm Del Monte

by Quiet Marauder

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  • Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    The physical version of Introducing Malcolm Del Monte on limited edition 12" pressed on Del Monte orange vinyl. Includes full lyric sheet and album notes.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Introducing Malcolm Del Monte via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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  • Full Digital Discography

    Get all 19 Quiet Marauder releases available on Bandcamp and save 35%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Introducing Malcolm Del Monte, Milk Tray Man, Momma Mia! I Made You Some Sangria!, The Gift (ft. Kadesha Drija), Tiny Men Parts, The Animals Are Spying On Me, Eggs!, The Crack And What It Meant (ft. Mathias Kom), and 11 more. , and , .

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1.
The counter in the corner of ITV Is even there during Coronation Street And it’s there on BBC Underneath a Masterchef repeat Greg and John are talking Loudly into each other’s faces Little do they know as they critique a pie The counter went up seventy-five And Stalin said one death is a tragedy A million is just a statistic And while that’s not right Because he was a total madman It’s hard to make sense of it It’s in my eyelids as I sleep With information as its company Verifying multiple sources All just one of many voices One of many voices I can hear
2.
One hundred, two hundred, four hundred Twenty-four, three, six, nine One hundred, five hundred, nine hundred Twenty-four, three, six, nine I can see, I can see This is just a dream But the dark Is only broken by The burning of intermittent Lamp filament numbers In the distance
3.
You seem surprised and beguiled At how I arrived through your brickwork But don’t be scared, pretty honey child I mean you no harm But I hope you don’t mind me saying That you’re looking kind of stagnant You’ve got garbage bags under your eyes That I could smell from outside You need a fresh boost Of mango juice A touch of lime You need a fine tune You want some dried prunes? Come taste mine Watch me walk up like a spider As I come sit down beside you for a while I can overcome your stench Just by holding my breath between lines I need to get a little closer So as to let you know about my brand Because I’ve brought with me The full Del Monte variety I’ve got my Maltese rounds And some Parson browns And clementines Mid-sweet hamlins With anthocyanin And thiamine Look at me, I’m so rude I have barely introduced myself My name is Malcolm Del Monte And I’m the son of the Man And I’ve been watching you For such a very long time now But I don’t think I’ve seen you looking So broke and so down You need some clean clothes And to wipe your nose And moisturize See my white boots With my white suit Don’t I look fine? You want my white suit And my white boots And clementines? Let’s play some dress up And then you’ll cheer up It’s Malcolm time
4.
I know how to make friends Because I know red wine I know you better than you know yourself ‘Cos I got 19 Crimes for only £8.99 You’ll need to line your stomach For what I’ve got in mind I can tell you’ll resist at first But it won’t take long until you start to unwind Ohh, you’ll start to unwind Oooh, you’ll start to unwind I know what you wanted to hear, it’s ‘Momma mia, I made you some sangria’ I know what you wanted to hear from me now Because it’s 8.35 I know what you wanted to hear, it’s ‘Momma mia, I made you some sangria’ I know what you wanted to hear from me now Because there is no better time Yeah, there’s no better time Than 8.35 Well this would be great But I’ve got a Zoom call Yeah I’m speaking to my manager And I’m not sure that I should be drunk at all She’s very understanding But she must have red lines One of which is me slurring my words In my dressing gown At barely quarter to nine Ohh, it’s a really bad time Ohh, the worst of all times Oooh, but maybe it’s fine You knew what I wanted to hear, it’s ‘Momma mia, I made you some sangria’ You knew what I wanted to hear from you now ‘Liquid breakfast time’ You knew what I wanted to hear, it’s ‘Momma mia, I made you some sangria’ You knew what I wanted to hear from you now Because there’s no better time There’s no better time Than 8.39 What’s been going on here? The kitchen’s a mess The sides are sticky and you stink of booze And you’re got a slice of orange sliding down your leg I thought I’d surprise you With some fresh Spanish punch It’s fruity and delicious and This is how they do it on the continent Ohh, It feels kind of wrong Ohh, But it also feels right Oooh, can I have a try? This ain’t such a bad idea it’s ‘Momma mia I made you some sangria’ This might be your best idea for a while ‘Liquid breakfast time’ Yeah, this was a great idea it’s ‘Momma mia I made you some sangria’ Yeah this was your best idea for a while And there’s no better time There’s no better time Than 8.55
5.
Like that tree In the forest Falling with no-one hearing It’s only creepy When you get caught And I think that If she knew She most likely would not approve Of you standing there Just staring on While she’s doing yoga She’s just doing yoga With Adrienne I’m not Really sure If I’m all that comfortable With what I think You’re trying to convey You’re framing This like It’s weird for me to be outside But it's my window And that is my girl So don’t be saying I’m a pervert Can you really be a pervert With your life partner? To give an Answer to that Maybe I can take you back To the Early days Of your back catalogue It’s not like It’s new For some to arrive at this point of view It’s all Written out In plain black and white But we’ve all done the same things - that was only satire Yes, we’ve all done the same things - I was just in character We’ll all do the same things For millennia You’ve clearly Misread My purpose and my intent And I thought You knew me so well But with you Thinking that There’s no means of coming back And I think that It’s time You should go You’re going to regret that - I don’t think that I’ll regret that Yes, you’re going to regret that - I can’t see how I’ll regret that You are going to regret that You mark my words
6.
A packed suitcase in a corridor The remnant of a dream-based metaphor It doesn't feel like I'm making any progress When there's nothing there To measure it against My white suit has now left the wardrobe And the walls are all empty now
7.
And then for a moment There was a stillness Not a single word was being said Everything quietly, casually Drifting by me Not a single voice in my head And just for that moment It felt so peaceful But then a faint whisper from some inward place And as it grew closer I felt Its sense of urgency Like a lion released from a cage And maybe this is what he means by regret Because that moment’s peace was not worth the debt That’s coming for me And maybe this is what he means by regret Because that moment’s peace was not worth this debt
8.
So, unfortunately you lost I’m so sorry The counter beat you this time And you leave with nothing Let’s see what you could have won Searching through the archive Searching in the recess
9.
Ho ho ho I'm bored of eating all this sweetcorn I want to eat a human being I want to weave a path of destruction Right out of these Goddamn farmer's fields I want to castrate that farmer And make a eunuch marionette I'm bored of eating all your sweetcorn I'll eat you human beings instead Ho ho ho I'm sick of dressing in this loincloth From now it's just Christian Dior I want the same scale and size of luxury As the Green Giant corporate board I've toiled while central on their branding As demeaning as it obviously is So now it's time for the sweet taste of justice As I crush them in my fingertips Ho ho ho It didn't need to be this way All I asked for initially Was worker's rights and pay It didn't need to be this way But the request came back declined Minus two days' holiday Two less days of unpaid holiday I hate the screaming of the children As I rampage through their family home And toss their father high up into orbit Wave a long goodbye to Mr C.E.O. And then it's onto the next one I've only got nine left on my list But now I'm not sure that I am stopping 'Cos I'm getting quite the taste for it Yeah, I love to eat those human beings And I love to crush those human beings Yeah, I'll eat another human being Ho ho ho
10.
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy Than have this bottle in front of me As the last means to comfort me After one more late night delivery It's a high risk and low reward affair Down the ski slopes of Courchevel I stabbed a shark, I fought an alligator Just to get this box of Milk Tray to you I don't want to be the Milk Tray Man I don't want to be the Milk Tray Man On another speedboat as the jetty explodes It's strange how age affects your mind 'Cos I'm sure there used to be a time Where I would see one of the ladies Rather than an endless wave of enemies What are they all trying to stop me for? I'm taking chocolate to the fourteenth floor I've dodged their bullets, I stole a helicopter Just to get this singular box to you I don't want to be the Milk Tray Man I don't want to be the Milk Tray Man Getting savaged by a wolf taking truffles to you I don't want To feel like I'm always Doing something wrong I don't want To be forever known As the inferior James Bond I don't want To dive again blind Into those dark and dangerous seas I don't want The ladies to love the product But never once love me I don't want to be the Milk Tray Man I don't want to be the Milk Tray Man I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy Than have this bottle in front of me And for this to be My last ever Milk Tray delivery
11.
Contender ready, Gladiator ready On my first whistle contender go! Contender ready, Gladiator ready On my second whistle, Gladiator go! Hi, I'm Jet! I was the fan favourite Until I fell off the Pyramid And broke my neck And that's a true story And if you don't believe me I can show you the scars from my surgery! Yes, I'm Jet The old fan favourite Until you locked me up Inside of your head Which by the way Is not a healthy place There's some fucked up things That you need to address I will show you anything If only you would get me out of here Though I can tell you honestly Everyone only wanted me In the nineties In the nineties That's how you like me In the nineties One more try I think I know what you like Because I've seen it all While I've been stuck inside You think I'm great in the sack With strong eye contact And with a single hair flick I could snap your back I would do most anything If only you would get me out of here Though I can tell you honestly Everyone only wanted me In the nineties In the nineties In the nineties That’s how you like me In the nineties In the nineties That’s how you like me In the nineties
12.
Alone is not a good way to live But look what happens When you’re scared of the alternatives Some bitter, some tired Some would sell you their ribs Some would tell you your eyes are still burning And they’re coming from all sides I think I might just be surrounded But you’ve been expelled And now I’m waiting For the big return I wish that I could summon you Just like a shaman by a fire So please come back home Because I’m missing core ingredients And my eyes are still burning
13.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea And plenty of them have big teeth And a real mean streak If you enter their territory And these are not the fish you need Nor are the stingrays Sharpening their stings The kind that can murder Crocodile hunter, Steve Irwin RIP Steve And just maybe That’s what happened to Jeff Buckley Who can even say? Eye to eye we may not see But there is worse company to keep As you’ve just seen Some can act self-destructively And in the middle you’ll find me Counter-balancing all those extremes Which though not easy There’s still no need to thank me Because really This is how it’s always been What do you say?
14.
I say that We are much better than we could have been So maybe we should try and see If we can all agree And if we can’t agree Then we’ll agree to disagree Which is a big step forward Because for a bit back there I was getting scared that I had lost A tiny fraction of my mind Tiny’s not the word You lost a twenty-fourth And I know that because I’ve been living with the other twenty-three We’re all part of you Carved out of your memories And all the things you’ve seen And some things that seem to have become ingrained But we all contribute And you can hear us too If you listen carefully You can always see we help in everything you do Every big decision Every single choice you make We all give our take And then you decide which one of us you’ll choose We are much better than we could have been So maybe we should try and see If we can all agree And if we can’t agree Then we’ll agree to disagree

about

The arrival of Malcolm Del Monte was both unexpected and, as it turns out, unavoidable.

Over the last few years, with the pandemic and its ongoing reach into our lives, I think we’ve all maybe struggled in our own individual ways. Limited socialisation opportunities, a sense of imprisonment, 24/7 panicked news coverage - none of these are markers of great well-being.

For me, the lack of opportunities for social contact and externalisation meant a lot of things that would normally be breathed out into the world instead stewed internally inside of me. I listened carefully to my own confused inner monologues. There were very few other things to focus on each day.

Over time, those monologues gave birth to Malcolm, my new imaginary friend and a counterpoint to the drab, depressing reality engulfing us…a nostalgic exemplar of mischief, and better, more innocent times.

Naturally, when realising your imagination is creating new friends for you, the knee-jerk response is to hold yourself to account, chastise and rebel against your brain. As it turns out, for me at least, that was not the best approach. Without Malcolm and his intuitive awareness of my weaknesses, foibles and flaws, without those vital internal thoughts that reconcile us to reality, there was a big, big hole. One that could be filled with even more terrible things than were there already; a lingering pale.

So, I guess the message of this album is don’t be too hard on yourself. And definitely not in a world that is as bewildering as the one we have been living in for the last however long.

Embrace your inner Malcolm, he might not be as bad as you think.

Simon M. Read & Quiet Marauder

credits

released October 27, 2023

This album was recorded in a Snowbird Studios pop-up in a beautiful villa in Lourinhã, Portugal. Huge thanks to Jake Nicoll and Mathias Kom for achieving so much in so little time with us. Big thanks also to Ed Truckell for another pristine mastering job, as well as Jake Nicoll for incomparably great work mixing the album together. And to Rhodri Brooks for the cover art photography, as well as, obviously Bubblewrap Collective for the additional design and releasing this in the first place.

The ongoing inspiration of Douglas Adams, Robert Kurvitz and Disco Elysium have also had a profound bearing on how this album was conceived, written and produced.

For Introducing Malcolm Del Monte the Quiet Marauder players were as follows:

Simon M. Read - Vocals, backing vocals, acoustic guitar

Rowan Liggett - Vocals, backing vocals, bass guitar

Ian Williams - Vocals, backing vocals, electric guitar

Kadesha Drija - Vocals, backing vocals

Jonathan Day - Synth backdrops (tracks 2, 6, 8, and 12)

Jake Nicoll - Flute, piano, bamboo clarinet, leather belt, hand percussion, synths, drum machine (tracks 4, 7, and 11)

Mathias Kom - Vocals, hand percussion

All songs mixed by Jake Nicoll, mastered by Ed Truckell, and written by Quiet Marauder.

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Quiet Marauder Cardiff, UK

Lo-fi anti-folk brewed and distilled in Cardiff, Wales.

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